My wife had purchased chicken for dinner to prepare at Whole Foods, and when she opened it, realized it was bad.  She sent me back to Whole Foods, and went straight up the customer service line, where there was one woman in front of me.  She returned a box of cereal, and the customer service rep asked if she would like cash back or exchange.  The woman said she would like to exchange for her order.

She then proceeded to ring up around 40 items worth over $250, applying the $5.49 credit of the cereal.  In doing so, she avoided the 30 minute 7PM Whole Foods line.

When I was up next, I gave the woman my chicken and said I’d be back in 10 minutes.  I came back with a round of shopping, bypassing the entire line.

The Schnorr:  When at Whole Foods, always buy one extra item you don’t need.  Next time you go shopping, goto the customer service line (where there is no wait) and pay there, of couse, applying your return.

Food prices are skyrocketing these days for normal Americans.   And for arugula-organic-free-range slaves like me, sticker shock is becoming a cardiac arrest.  So I’ve found a few creative ways to cut food costs at the supermarket.  And if done right, they won’t get you banned for life from your favorite store.

1)    Look for mold in the produce aisle.  While others look to make sure a box of strawberries is mold-free, I go for the ones with mold.  Then, after I’ve eaten all the good ones that day, I return the remainder for a full refund.

2)    Look for unsafe products.  If you see a slit in a package, a damaged box or a dented can, decide how much you want to gamble on botulism.  Use the product and then contact the company about the defective packaging and ask for free coupons.

3)    Pick naked fruit in the organic produce section.  If an organic fruit doesn’t have a sticker on it, it usually gets rung up at conventional prices.  Two warnings: it’s stealing to take the tag off for a cheaper price.  Also, don’t do this with more than one fruit at a time or you’ll raise the suspicions of the cashier.  (“That’s funny, another fruit without a tag.”)

4)    Dumpster divers say Whole Foods has good bins.  Believe it or not, the chain also randomly dumps food in apartment complexes in Boston.  Find where it happens.  Trader Joe’s is believed to have a trash compacter, so avoid their dumpsters.

5)    Be sure to spread out among the different supermarkets in your area to maximize these strategies and avoid suspicious and sad-looking store manag-ers.

6)    Most supermarkets have a bin of free cookies for children by the bakery.  Feed your inner child.

7)    Expiration dates are for wimps.  Either drink half the carton and then return it for a refund or tell them it’s illegal to sell it and ask to take it home.

8)    Whole Foods and other supermarket chains have special sample demo days, with more than a dozen vendors.  Come hungry, sample often.  If the vendors question why you’re coming back for more, put on a fake English accent.

9)    Go to the deli and ask for a sample of a dish.  Have trouble making up your mind and ask about other dishes.

10)    Hang around the bulk bins aisle and wait for something to spill onto the plastic catches below.

By: Craig

Craig is the pen name for Craig.  You can reach him at an unspecified email.  He will reveal more in a secret communiqué soon.

A California man on Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” showed up at a house in the suburbs, hoping to have sex with an underage girl he thought he had chatted with online. Instead, he found himself handcuffed and given a court date. When the date arrived, he skipped his hearing to try to have sex with another underage girl he thought he had chatted with online. He arrived at her suburban home and again found himself handcuffed.

What does this story tell the schnorrer? That sex predators are the ideal schnorring victims. For one, they are breathtakingly brain-impoverished and, secondly and more importantly, the schnorrer will suffer no societal opprobrium and need feel no compunction at taking advantage of their gluttonous sexual appetites for personal financial gain.

Dateline NBC has shown us that as pedophiles are the perfect schnorring target, so the Internet is the perfect medium.

The first thing you’ll want to do is head to the post office and rent a P.O. Box. Next open up a paypal account under an e-mail address unaffiliated with your name. You do not want sex predators discovering your identity.

Now create a MySpace account and an AIM account under the name of a fabricated adolescent girl. Join online chatrooms. Befriend pederasts. Be forward. Soon you’ll be ready to catch a predator’s wallet. Tell your predator that you need money to travel to see him. Ask if he can send you gifts. If he does, pawn them.

Savor that gushy feeling that comes from distracting sexual predators from underage victims while reaping monetary reward.

by: Zac

Beauty is a billion-dollar industry aimed at convincing us we need to smell like roses when we sweat.  Women long have borne the yolk of L’Oreal and Calvin Klein, but now they have company.  Men used to be able to opt out, but no longer.  With the advent of manscaping, guys are expected to shell out as much dough as girls for the right to look and smell like every other metrosexual.

But beauty can be had on the cheap.  You don’t need expensive gym memberships, makeup or surgeries to be ready for loving on a Friday night.  Just follow these 10 steps to a new you:

1. Restore that natural glow. Ladies, save bucks on blush by jogging the last half-mile to your date’s door.  Not only will your cheeks be rosy red, but your hair will be tussled in a come-hither kind of way.

2.  Beauty School Drop-Out.  All those stylists and beauticians have to practice on someone.  If you’re willing to play a little roulette with your look, get your hair cut, teeth pulled and tattoos done by students.  And while we’re at it, don’t future plastic surgeons need to practice on someone?

3.  Testing the Waters. There’s no need to buy makeup with all those product testers out there.  Swing by a store before a date.

4.  Clandestine Armpit Rubs.  If you’re short on cash and need deodorant, go to a natural food store and just use one of the deodorants on the shelf.  Hippie deodorants don’t have any plastic guards to peel off.  (This could be embarrassing and/or illegal if you get caught.)

5.  Short Showers.  Keep your pores closed and your electricity costs low by taking ice-cold showers.  If you survive, you’ll look radiant.

6.  Borrow a pet or baby. Men always look more attractive to women if they come attached with a dog or a baby, but such accessories don’t come cheap.  Offer to walk the offspring or pet of a friend and time it right so you can be seen by the hottest joggers.

7.  Impermanent Ink. If you think a tattoo would fit your ensemble, just get a packet of them from the toy section at Target or Kmart.

8.  Always Bet on Black.  Only wear clothes or shoes where stains can be hidden with a Sharpie.

9.  I Love you in this Light.  Keep your date venues restricted to dimly-lit places with alcohol.  We all look better in those circumstances.

10. “There was an accident, and I had to act quick…” If you find yourself looking haggard one day, find a dramatic excuse for the ketchup stain on your jeans.

Remember, beauty is only skin deep.  That’s because beneath that are just blood vessels and your intestines and stuff.

Craig is a penname for Craig.  The first thing he did when he discovered his wife had an affair was get a haircut and a new coat.

In a recession, we all need to make sacrifices, but come Hell or high water, I’m hanging onto my Friday nights out like those still hanging onto the glimmering hope of the Democrats digging us out of this mess. Until then, I choose sacrifices of a different breed. Girls, leave your hangups at the door: tonight, you’re drinking for free.

1. The Sad Bartender

It’s hard to believe, but some bartenders don’t think they’re “all that.” The best clubs may have bartenders that look like Abercrombie models, but hit up some of the divier pubs, and you might stumble upon a bartender who needs a little pick-me-up. Sit down by yourself at the end of the bar and wait for him to have a free moment—feel free to check your phone as though you’re waiting for someone as he makes his way over—then start making friendly conversation. Be sure to slip in the fact that you’re waiting for a friend who’s “always late” and you “hate drinking alone.” If the bar is otherwise empty, it shouldn’t take more than a minute or two for the bartender to ask you what you’re drinking, “on the house.”

2. The Wingman

Boys have been playing this game for years; it’s our turn now. They seek out the weakest prey in the pack—usually a girl who looks insecure—and aim to take her home. Your tactic is a little bit different: look for the guy who thinks he’s the center of the universe (identifying markers include popped Polo shirts, sunglasses in dark clubs and the mating cry of “Jagerbombs!”). Now, look to the left and/or right: the guy standing in the shadow of Mr. Big-Man-on-Campus? He’s your target. This one shouldn’t take more than a giggle and a hair flip.

3. The Party

This one takes a special circumstance, but when you stumble upon it, you’re golden. Seek out some sort of party taking place at your local watering hole. Could be a birthday, work drinks, high school reunion, etc. Stand at the edge of the group and look as though you belong there, and wait for someone to call out, “Shots!” Get your hand to the bar, grab one, and down it. It isn’t really stealing; the people doing the shots probably had no idea how many people were drinking with them to start with, and you might even make some new friends along the way. Bonus points if you stumble upon a bachelor party.

4. The Beer Pong

In most major cities, dive bars will have at least one—and sometimes many—beer pong tables set up in the back. Seek out a group, preferably ex-fratboys, who have just bought their pitcher of beer, and sidle up to them. They’ll undoubtedly ask if you want to play. Choose your teammate wisely; if you want free drinks, you want to be on the loser’s team, so pick someone who looks like their depth-perception is less than stellar.

5. The Last Call

We girls have a bit of a reputation for getting a little discombobulated by last call; use it to your advantage. Sidle up to a group of guys at the bar, and with your best slightly-bleary-doe-eyed look, smile and ask, “Anyone want to do a shot with me?” You might have to high-tail it out of there once closing time starts to avoid unwanted invites into someone’s Mom’s Camry, but your shot will most definitely be free… and isn’t that the best kind of shot?

by: Emily Monaco

Emily Monaco is a native New Yorker who hops amongst the Big Apple and the City of Lights as it strikes her fancy (and budget). She is a novelist, freelance writer and translator who passes the time seeking out good food and good drink and taking pictures of it for her blog, Tomato Kumato www.tomatokumato.com. If you want to give her a compliment or a suggestion, e-mail her at monacoem@gmail.com. If you want to pick a fight, bring a dueling pistol.

A carefully executed couch surfing experience can provide a person with weeks, months and possibly years of food, lodging, entertainment and, done right, romance.

There are three basic approaches to the task of getting onto the couch or into a spare room.

1. Just Got Thrown out: This could be from a parent’s house, a girlfriend/boyfriend, stale roommate situation, or through an angry landlord. The crux of this approach (truthful or not) is that you are in a bind and need a temporary favor.

2. Just Passing Through: Won’t be here for long. Let’s catch up. Haven’t seen you in a while. (Good for old school buddies or neighborhood friends)

3. Just Moving To Town: This one works best. It suggests that you have good work prospects and will soon have your own place.

In any of these cases, the singular aim is to get a free place to stay and all the attendant generosity and charity of an unsuspecting friend, acquaintance or distant relative.

Once inside and comfy, a good couch surfer immediately takes control of the situation. Give it a day or two and you will have full control of the pad. Remember, the couch is always right in front of the TV and not far from the food and drink. Your host will have to go to his/her bedroom to sleep. You stay right in the inner sanctum of the home.

Some hints:

1. Be nice and humble at first. It is important to slowly build to being a lifeblood-sucking nuisance. In a perfect world, a freeloader would stay nice and welcome for the rest of his or her life and be taken care of like a pampered animal. But this is not a perfect world. That world would be called marriage. So keep it on the DL for as long as possible. Lots of “Please and Thank You”.

2. Always promise to make up for any and all favors. A host who believes that you will eventually pay them back will be more likely to extend more and more credit.

3. Take notice of anything that is not being used and take full advantage of it. This goes mostly for uneaten take out food, old bottles of booze, clothing, ect. You get the message. If they are going to throw it out or not use it, then it should rightfully be yours.

4. Make creative suggestions that can only benefit you. If the host is cooking pasta, suggest a boneless chicken breast next time. If the beer in the fridge is cheap and tastes like hell, then gently mention the name of your own brand/label. Imposition is an art. Learn it. Love it. Live it.

5. Last but not least, prey on your host’s personal deficiencies. If your host is lonely, become indispensable as a best friend. If they are bullied, become their protector. If they are horny, take one for the team and try to have fun doing it. NOTE: You can try to hook them up with a stranger, but most likely there is a reason they are in the bind that they are in. If your host is unimaginative, suggest a never-ending stream of fun and exciting experiences for all to enjoy and prosper from. Most likely you will come along for the ride.

Done correctly, you can freeload until being ruthlessly booted to your next schnorrer conquest. Do not look at this as anything but a great adventure. Jack Kerouac. Hunter S. Thompson. Ernest Hemingway and Mark Twain all have done this. So can you.

By: Charles Lee Hackett

From: Austin, Texas

Lives In: Los Angeles, California

Alma Mater: University of Texas at Austin

Favorite Quote: Kill! Kill! Kill!

Second Favorite: Oh, you pretty pretty varmits.

Goal: Write/Produce Film/TV

Contact: sickboychuck@hotmail.com

Even though our stated mission as a Schnorrer is to spend as little possible, we of necessity  will encounter others with the same mission. Yeah, I know that everyone does this but a cheapskate can go to extremes. Maybe for projects, it’s you who buys and gets everything. Or maybe its you who has to treat him/her every time you guys go to your restaurants, AND for it to be an expensive one too?

Here is an article showing a Schnorrer how to confront your cheapskate opponent and let him/her know that you have limits and boundaries that are not to be crossed:

If it’s only a one time thing then just let it go. Money can be found again. Remember, DON’T be the cheapskate yourself. Maybe, just maybe, THEY’LL treat you to something in the future. Don’t expect him/her to pay you back right away. As there is the bad Karma, there is the good kind of Karma. Maybe in the future something good will happen to you because of your good deed.

Decide when it is becoming a problem. If your money is being spent constantly on behalf of the cheapskate, then it is becoming a problem. Next time do not treat them anymore. If you are being used, learn how to avoid being scammed by this possible poisonous friend.

If the person STILL does not realize your boundaries, confront the person right away. At first, do it politely. Try not to hurt the person’s feelings, despite the fact that you are annoyed with their behavior.
If you are dealing with a cheapskate that plays dumb, then forget about being polite. Make sure that they understand what is being said. Make sure you tell them in a firm tone to let the person know that you are not joking.
If they crossed the line once or more, then consider ignoring them. Do whatever you can to avoid this person.
If you did step five, then you might think about breaking up the friendship. Talk to someone if it is REALLY bothering you, you might learn how to avoid these people in the future.

Don’t be vindictive. It only makes you look bad. It might be really tempting to tell everyone what kind of person the cheapskate REALLY is. But it’s best to let them find out for themselves. If you tell everyone how the cheapskate is, you can develop an image as a person who makes trouble, creates drama, and worst of all, a person who spreads rumors. The cheapskate can IMMEDIATELY change and become someone else, making you look like the liar. If you cannot keep it to yourself about the person, just tell your closest friends.
The person might lie and say that they are not as rich as you, so learn how to detect lies.
Tips
Make eye contact with them to let them know that you mean what you say.
Don’t talk about spending money or purchasing something in front of the cheapskate. They might think that you are very rich and try to use you again.
Do not joke or laugh or smile when confronting the cheapskate.

Article adapted from Wikihow

Dear Schnorrer,
I have a good aquiantance who I am very fond of, except for one glaring fault.  How do you tell someone they smell bad?
Pepe

————————————-

Dear Pepe
With a name like Pepe, I can tell you are an expert on the topic of smelling bad.  Only kidding.  Unfortunately, with a name like Pepe, I doubt whether you can TAKE a joke.  Only kidding.
Now as to your friend: one tactic is to present your PAL with the gift of cologne.  A deodorant would be much too obvious so opt for subtleties like scented candles, witch hazel or incense.

Another tactic would be a verbal approach.  Ask your friend how he would deal with the same situation.  Maybe he will get the hint. I know I did.

Yours well scented

The Schnorrer

One of my pet peeves is when the food cart vendors start hiking up their prices, and ripping me off.  I was more than willing to pay $1 for that snapple, but $1.25 is no longer an option.  Or the $2.25 hot dog.  They freakin pay no rent, so give me a break.

One thing that I’ve noticed is these vendors like to hoard change like it’s their crack stash.  Them giving out change is like breaking the code on street vendorship….it’s the 2nd commandment.  First one is never change the hot dog water.  With that in mind, whenever I want a water or snapple, I always make sure to have dollar bill or twenty dollar bill.  No inbetween.  When they hand me the water, and see the $20 coming out, they always ask for change.  I then pull out my lonely dollar bill, and give them the option.  Either take the dollar or break the twenty?

They will always take the dollar.

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