Schnorring In A Gay Bar
The U.S. Senate recently officially repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, a major achievement for our nation and our Military Forces. But those of us who know that gay people are the most FABULOUS members in our schnorring life, well, embrace your local gay function and become “Family”.
If you have never been into a gay bar, do not be afraid. These are fine people and they live life better than most. Let me give you some back-story; I was rooming with a friend in college named Joel. He was gay and very closeted and I saw no reason for it. I took it upon my sacred friendship with this man to get him out and try to get him laid in the great gay scene in Austin, Texas. All scenes are great scenes in Austin, Texas, but this epic was important to me. A friend who needs to come out is a friend indeed. I don’t trust closeted people and I cannot tolerate a friend who does not trust himself or herself.
So we went out into the great void in his life. We found a bounteous Valhalla.
Some tips for Gay Schnorring.
1. SUSPEND YOUR PRE-CONCEPTIONS: All gay bars and gay functions are full free food and free drinks and enormous possibilities. Get in and stand your ground. If you do not know this scene you have to become part of it. Be friendly and “Buy the ticket, take the ride”, the term Hunter S. Thompson lived by. Be brave and suck in life.
2. MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN: Let the proprietors know you are new and expecting hospitality. Just in the Texas or Arab sense, gay people hold hospitality as a sacred virtue. They love company and would not throw a party or open a bar unless they intend to abide by this sacred law.
3. ATTEND THE LUCH-TIME SPECIALS: Gay people have been discriminated upon in the past and have set up lunches and cheap drinks so they can dance and eat and be gay and live well without scrutiny. Join them and meet your neighbors.
4. ATTEND PRE-DINNER FUNCTIONS: Same for dinner as was for lunch, except the crowd is ready to party. The dance floor has dinner tables and white linen. Free fruit and bread and hummus and pastries. The wives (Male or Female) have been working at home. Someone always brings freebies just to be hospitable and you will be a welcome new addition to the festivities.
5. GET PHONE NUMBERS: These parties and political and social functions go on all week. You will be well connected soon. All your favorite civic and Senatorial and business leaders are gay and this is a great opportunity to meet and greet and express your opinion. Take heed. These are serious partiers.
6. EXPECT LOVE: If you are straight, you will meet more women through gay friends than any straight bar. If you are gay or bi, then you will be in a home place. Go Get It!
So walk in and make the most of this rare scene. A note of warning: There are serious and vicious ball-busters in this world, just like joining a Teamsters union. They will want to know that you are earnest in your attempt to hang in their protected world. However, if you make the grade and are pure of heart and intention, you will be “Family” and enjoy the schnorring life with new friends. Schnorr well me droogies. Schnorr well. Happy Holidays.