Beauty on the Cheap
Beauty is a billion-dollar industry aimed at convincing us we need to smell like roses when we sweat. Women long have borne the yolk of L’Oreal and Calvin Klein, but now they have company. Men used to be able to opt out, but no longer. With the advent of manscaping, guys are expected to shell out as much dough as girls for the right to look and smell like every other metrosexual.
But beauty can be had on the cheap. You don’t need expensive gym memberships, makeup or surgeries to be ready for loving on a Friday night. Just follow these 10 steps to a new you:
1. Restore that natural glow. Ladies, save bucks on blush by jogging the last half-mile to your date’s door. Not only will your cheeks be rosy red, but your hair will be tussled in a come-hither kind of way.
2. Beauty School Drop-Out. All those stylists and beauticians have to practice on someone. If you’re willing to play a little roulette with your look, get your hair cut, teeth pulled and tattoos done by students. And while we’re at it, don’t future plastic surgeons need to practice on someone?
3. Testing the Waters. There’s no need to buy makeup with all those product testers out there. Swing by a store before a date.
4. Clandestine Armpit Rubs. If you’re short on cash and need deodorant, go to a natural food store and just use one of the deodorants on the shelf. Hippie deodorants don’t have any plastic guards to peel off. (This could be embarrassing and/or illegal if you get caught.)
5. Short Showers. Keep your pores closed and your electricity costs low by taking ice-cold showers. If you survive, you’ll look radiant.
6. Borrow a pet or baby. Men always look more attractive to women if they come attached with a dog or a baby, but such accessories don’t come cheap. Offer to walk the offspring or pet of a friend and time it right so you can be seen by the hottest joggers.
7. Impermanent Ink. If you think a tattoo would fit your ensemble, just get a packet of them from the toy section at Target or Kmart.
8. Always Bet on Black. Only wear clothes or shoes where stains can be hidden with a Sharpie.
9. I Love you in this Light. Keep your date venues restricted to dimly-lit places with alcohol. We all look better in those circumstances.
10. “There was an accident, and I had to act quick…” If you find yourself looking haggard one day, find a dramatic excuse for the ketchup stain on your jeans.
Remember, beauty is only skin deep. That’s because beneath that are just blood vessels and your intestines and stuff.
Craig is a penname for Craig. The first thing he did when he discovered his wife had an affair was get a haircut and a new coat.