A Guide to Couch Surfing
A carefully executed couch surfing experience can provide a person with weeks, months and possibly years of food, lodging, entertainment and, done right, romance.
There are three basic approaches to the task of getting onto the couch or into a spare room.
1. Just Got Thrown out: This could be from a parent’s house, a girlfriend/boyfriend, stale roommate situation, or through an angry landlord. The crux of this approach (truthful or not) is that you are in a bind and need a temporary favor.
2. Just Passing Through: Won’t be here for long. Let’s catch up. Haven’t seen you in a while. (Good for old school buddies or neighborhood friends)
3. Just Moving To Town: This one works best. It suggests that you have good work prospects and will soon have your own place.
In any of these cases, the singular aim is to get a free place to stay and all the attendant generosity and charity of an unsuspecting friend, acquaintance or distant relative.
Once inside and comfy, a good couch surfer immediately takes control of the situation. Give it a day or two and you will have full control of the pad. Remember, the couch is always right in front of the TV and not far from the food and drink. Your host will have to go to his/her bedroom to sleep. You stay right in the inner sanctum of the home.
1. Be nice and humble at first. It is important to slowly build to being a lifeblood-sucking nuisance. In a perfect world, a freeloader would stay nice and welcome for the rest of his or her life and be taken care of like a pampered animal. But this is not a perfect world. That world would be called marriage. So keep it on the DL for as long as possible. Lots of “Please and Thank You”.
2. Always promise to make up for any and all favors. A host who believes that you will eventually pay them back will be more likely to extend more and more credit.
3. Take notice of anything that is not being used and take full advantage of it. This goes mostly for uneaten take out food, old bottles of booze, clothing, ect. You get the message. If they are going to throw it out or not use it, then it should rightfully be yours.
4. Make creative suggestions that can only benefit you. If the host is cooking pasta, suggest a boneless chicken breast next time. If the beer in the fridge is cheap and tastes like hell, then gently mention the name of your own brand/label. Imposition is an art. Learn it. Love it. Live it.
5. Last but not least, prey on your host’s personal deficiencies. If your host is lonely, become indispensable as a best friend. If they are bullied, become their protector. If they are horny, take one for the team and try to have fun doing it. NOTE: You can try to hook them up with a stranger, but most likely there is a reason they are in the bind that they are in. If your host is unimaginative, suggest a never-ending stream of fun and exciting experiences for all to enjoy and prosper from. Most likely you will come along for the ride.
Done correctly, you can freeload until being ruthlessly booted to your next schnorrer conquest. Do not look at this as anything but a great adventure. Jack Kerouac. Hunter S. Thompson. Ernest Hemingway and Mark Twain all have done this. So can you.
By: Charles Lee Hackett
From: Austin, Texas
Lives In: Los Angeles, California
Alma Mater: University of Texas at Austin
Favorite Quote: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Second Favorite: Oh, you pretty pretty varmits.
Goal: Write/Produce Film/TV