Unclean and Late
Dear Schnorrer:
I live with two roommates. One of my roommates has recently become very serious with her boyfriend, and he has gradually increased the time he has been spending at our apartment to the point where he only goes home to get more clothes. Otherwise, he is at our apartment every moment that he is not at work.
Would it be terribly rude of me to ask that he go back to his own apartment each morning to shower? He takes 30 minute showers, which a) leaves no more hot water for the rest of us and b) makes me late for work, because I can’t get into the bathroom. He and I happen to have the same work schedule, and therefore we have to leave the house at the same time. I feel as though since I am the one paying rent to live there, I should at least get a hot shower and access to my own bathroom.
He only lives a 3 minute walk away. Is it more polite to ask my roommate to tell him this, since he is her guest, or should I talk with him directly?
Unclean and Late
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Dear Unclean and Late:
Obviously, by contacting the Schnorrer, you are not interested in a delicate, subtle or even civilized solution to your problem. You’ve come to the right man.
The Schnorrer has five suggestions:
1-steal the boyfriends wallet
2-brush an industrial strength epoxy onto the shower curtain so that his genital gets glued onto it.
3-tell your roommate he’s made a pass at you.
4-tell your other roommate that you overheard him calling her fat
5-get your own boyfriend to beat the crap out of him.
If you want to be subtle about, lightly sprinkle your roommates bed with crabs.
Best of luck!
The Schnorrer
Although in my present mindset, all of the schnorrer’s suggestions totally rock and I would do them too, you want to make sure you don’t lose the income of your roommate by ticking her off and then she goes and moves in with the Loser Boyfriend. He is rude and inconsiderate, and does need to be told (because his mommy never did) that his actions are such. Since she is your friend, I assume you know how to approach her on roommate topics so I will leave the timing and tone of voice up to you.
If that doesn’t work, may I suggest walking in on the boyfriend while he is in the shower, to brush your teeth, floss, take one more morning “constitutional” regardless of his state of dress. When he objects, just say, well, it IS my apartment/house. Are you paying 1/3 of the rent yet? Sounds to me like he hasn’t offered that yet, and he probably won’t so there is little chance of him becoming a fixture.
You can also present him with the water bill, or, if he his hanging out in the living room, sit next to him and eat some smelly foods, and when you get up to leave, make sure to leave the area after ripping a nice flatulent gift. Sounds gross but you want him out, right? Good luck sister! xo
Hi, suggestions, get a key to his apt. Go shower there, if he’s there
that little you could just stay at his apt!!! Sweet!!! Otherwise, he’s in
the way! Move mo fo, your makin me late! Get the hell out of my
shower when I’m suppose to be in there. Drag your lazy butt out
of bed and beat him to the shower, run out the hot water a few
times, that will fix it!!!
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