You got this one; I get the next one. No, you get the . . . I’ll get . . . you get—STOP!

Next time you’re out with a friend or acquaintance leap at the first opportunity to treat them to a cup of coffee or a stale muffin from the day-old bin beside the register. In the politics of You Buy This, I Buy That, it’s important to establish that you’re neither a mooch nor a schnorr. Although of course, you’re both. But you must first establish yourself as generous, and what better way to spread your generosity than purchasing a $1.25 12-oz cup of drip coffee?

Your willingness to pay for this initial purchase will pave the way for a Grand Mooch in the future. Don’t let them reciprocate the coffee; hold onto that chip as long as you can. Leverage it. Maybe even insist on buying them another cup of coffee.

And then, when the count is 2-0, go out to dinner. When you’re all finished eating a big, sloppy meal, reach for the check and watch their guilty hand pull it away.

“But I—” you’ll feign, wiping enchilada sauce from your chin, slurping your margarita.

“No, I insist,” they will say, taking pleasure in treating you for a change. Then go dutch from that point forward. Food in your belly, money in your pocket and nobody gets hurt—a schnorrer’s delight. Each relationship in your life—large or small—holds the key to a three-course-meal with cocktails. It’s your job, and honor, to wiggle that meal out of their steely clench.

By: Griffin Goins

Born into a community of generous givers in Portland, OR, Griffin Goins quickly learned how to receive. He adopted a certain helplessness that, to this day, keeps him heartily fed in any surrounding. You can find Griffin living in a VW van in Someguy’s backyard in Venice Beach, CA, where he pays what he considers to be too much rent although it’s the cheapest he’s found in LA County. Griffin is a trained journalist who pays unflinchingly for the first date—technically the second if you count The Walk—but goes Dutch on subsequent dates not counting annual anniversaries.