If you are one of the millions of Americans who work a lackluster job with an evil boss, here are some ways to get back at The Man.

Follow these simple rules and you will feel more accomplished as a member of the work force.

WASTE TIME: Be late to everything, but not too late. Be slow to task, but not too slow. Shave a minute or two off everything you do. Pretend you are mentally vacant, but not totally retarded. The key is to keep the workday waning. The less time you are at your desk, the less work you do. That’s money in the bank. A single task that takes hours is better than five that take the same amount of time. In your accounting scheme it is more for less.

TOILET TRAINING: When you go to the bathroom, stay a while. Take it easy on the Porcelain Throne and catch up on reading that huge tome of War and Peace. In fact, save up all your daily bowel movements for the office. The boss man will never tell you this is inappropriate and the mere mention of it will make people think of better things.

PLAY DUMB: They say there are no stupid questions, but we know that is not true. Slow up meetings by asking as many “stoopid” questions as the day allows. Make your bosses explain. This tactic goes a long way. Not only does it waste time, but also it frustrates the hell out of management. Soon their schedules will be off and they will be pulling out their hair. Once again, you are padding your time card at the expense of The Man and that is something you can take to the bank.

SABORTAGE: Don’t do anything illegal, but if something breaks, don’t fix it. Stand around and talk about it until peoples’ ears bleed. This is another cog that is not working in the corporate machine. This is sabotage by slack. If the copier or fax machine is down, or better yet, a computer, this allows you to wander and hit the kitchen for a snack or hang out at the cooler or step outside to watch the secretaries smoke. The world is yours if the office needs general repairs.

SUPPLIES: I am not going to tell you to steal from your company, but if you are asked to take work home, then make sure you have the best supplied home office in North America. Use everything for any reason at all. This includes coffee filters and thumbtacks, computer cables and toilet paper. You are expected to be prepared, so be prepared in a very big way.

Encourage your co-workers to do the same.

KITCHEN DUTY: The office kitchen is full of bounty. Not only is it a great place to waste time, but you can rummage through the fridge and cupboards and drawers for abandoned items that might adorn your stomach, desk, or home.

FAKE IT: If you sit at a desk with a computer you boss will never know if you are creating EXCEL spreadsheets or conquering World-O-War Craft. Once again, faking work equals job security. Stare at the same sheet of paper for hours. Practice the route to the fire escape ma on the wall by the stairs. These things are all valid. Make the day yours. The job you slacked on today means a continued task to put off tomorrow. Work is work and an ongoing job is a good one.

RECYCLE: This is not only good for the planet but it can be good for your schnorring too. Recycling is a very vague term to people like us. This generally means put a used item in a bin that will allow other people to do useful things with it later. This can be anything. Use your imagination when selecting “used” items to be “Recycled”. Another term is dumpster diving. An artful slacker can make a perfectly good item seem outdated and thus recyclable: right into the arms of your benefit.

BE A GO GETTER: Offer to fetch an endless array of items outside the building. Coffee runs, food runs, dry cleaning, dog walking, etc. This will get you out of the office and put slack coin in your pocket. Bosses will go for this as well as co-workers.

DON’T GET FIRED: Keeping your job s the number one task you can do to get something for nothing under the aforementioned rules. The ethos is to take it as far as you can without having the hammer fall. Think of the character Jeff Lebowski fro. THE BIG LEBOWSKI. He did all right. He took it easy for the rest of us. The Dude abides. And so should you.

By: Charles Hackett

Name: Charles H.

From:  Austin, Texas

Lives In: Los Angeles, California

Alma Mater: University of Texas at Austin

Favorite Quote: Kill! Kill! Kill!

Second Favorite: Oh, you pretty pretty varmits.

Goal: Write/Produce Film/TV

Contact: sickboychuck@hotmail.com