Whole Foods is the big league of sampling. Sure you can knock off your local grocery store for a free cookie, or duck into a Costco for a bite-sized lunch, but Whole Foods is the Crème-de-la-crème. They’ve got sliced blood-oranges, peared papaya, buttered flax bread, gouda boullions and cubed pepperoni awaiting your eager fingertips.

 But wait! It’s a trap!

 The first time I went into my local WF I felt like Gretel’s brother, Hanzel, when he starts eating the hag’s cake-cottage. I overzealously paraded through the store in circles: Cookie, cheese, pepperoni, fruit juice . . . cookie, cheese, pepperoni, fruit juice.

 By my third lap I heard a familiar crackle over my shoulder—cookie, cheese—that kept getting closer—pepperoni—until it was right behind me—fruit juice. I glanced to see: hot on my trail was the mustachioed security guard.

 His walkie-talkie crackled, “Chkhhhhh I think he’s at the pepperoni, over.”

 There is a fine line—as any schnorrer knows—between schnorring and old-fashioned theft. This dilemma is best illustrated by the bulk bins. Bulk bins are schnorrer-snares. If a schnoorer dips his hungry paw into a bulk bin to “sample” a chocolate covered pretzel at the wrong grocery store, he may very well be apprehended. Ignorance can only carry us so far.

 So I had a security guard on my tail. I thought fast and made my way toward the bulk bin where I started stingily filling a plastic sack with cashews, without sampling them. Just a few since I was already full of gouda. The security guard stayed close behind and eyeballed my sack as I made my way to the counter, where I purchased 68 cents worth of unsalted cashews and departed the store.

I gave it one week until I returned. Upon entering I nodded to the security guard, to establish report, and continued on—away from the samples—to fill a basket with normal shopping goods. It’s important to avoid the samples until you have established yourself as a profitable shopper. They’ve got people watching over the gouda like it’s the Star of Africa. Think of it like it’s a heist. Enter under disguise and fill a basket for Chrissake even if you end up leaving it in an aisle somewhere. Make conversation with those giving the samples and be forthright about your needs, “I’m incredibly hungry since I had to skip lunch to see my nephew’s little league game, how embarrassing! I apologize.” And grab another. And another without shame.

You’ve got to establish yourself as not the transient bum looking to score a free meal, even though that’s exactly who you are. You want to be the fluke-oversampler who happens to be a bit hungry and is genuinely naïve about sampling etiquette: Free pepperoni cubes! Awesome!

Just remember: As soon as it gets weird, they’ll be on your tail either in person or through a security camera. It’s like the Bellagio in Vegas and you’re the equivalent of a card-counter. Get in, get the cheese, get out, and make sure you can do it again tomorrow. Whole Foods is a schnorrer’s paradise, but not safe for the faint-of-of-heart. Beware.

By: Griffin Goins

Born into a community of generous givers in Portland, OR, Griffin Goins quickly learned how to receive. He adopted a certain helplessness that, to this day, keeps him heartily fed in any surrounding. You can find Griffin living in a VW van in Someguy’s backyard in Venice Beach, CA, where he pays what he considers to be too much rent although it’s the cheapest he’s found in LA County. Griffin is a trained journalist who pays unflinchingly for the first date—technically the second if you count The Walk—but goes Dutch on subsequent dates not counting annual anniversaries.