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Employment Twofers

Posted By Guest On November 15, 2010 @ 7:34 am In Beating the System,Editors' Choice,Featured,Schnorring | 2 Comments

Working is a necessary evil for most of us to get by (if you’re one of the lucky few who works no hours per week and still maintains some semblance of a comfortable life – this doesn’t mean Cinnamon Toast Crunch 3 meals a day – kudos to you).  Luckily, there’s a plethora of jobs out there that offer some enticing free perks, saving some dollars and making it that much less painful to go to work.  Whatever you desire to scrape together for free, there’s a job out there for you.  Just consider one of these 2-for-1 employment deals.

 If you love FOOD:  Your ideal job is BABYSITTER.

If you fancy yourself a gastronomic grifter, then babysitting’s the way to go.  Imagine: several hours alone with a fully-stocked fridge and some underage charges who can’t even reach prime top-fridge-shelf real estate.  Just stick to the rich families on the street: in cash-strapped houses the milk might be spoiled and the meat drawer often looks like a science project.

 If you love ALCOHOL: Your ideal job is BARTENDER.

This one’s a no-brainer.  Keep an opaque cup for yourself behind the bar, do the pouring while the customers are looking the other way, and go to town.  Bonus points if your boss is the oblivious type and/or likes to party even harder than you do.  Corporate chains tend to measure liquor at the end of a shift, so avoid jobs at Applebees and TGI Friday’s like the plague.

If you love SELF-MEDICATION: Your ideal job is PHARMACEUTICAL SALES REPRESENTATIVE.

I hear that these sales reps often get free drug samples (no judgment!) which would explain why most of the ones I’ve meet seem so chirpy and motivated.  Oh, and all that time on the road means hotel toiletries and airplane sodas galore.  These guys have perks coming at them from all sides. 

 If you love WORKING OUT: Your ideal job is PERSONAL TRAINER.

Gyms nowadays charge membership fees akin to a mortgage on a small house.  Luckily, personal trainers get free memberships wherever they work.  You might not end up making enough to pay your rent, but at least you’ll be entertaining at parties – show everyone how many different body parts you can bounce a quarter off!

 If you love REVENGE: Your ideal job is WAITER.

Anyone who’s been a waiter knows the kind of abuse that comes along with sucking up to jerk strangers to earn a salary made up of 100% tips.  Luckily waiting tables isn’t all grunt work and hardship: waiters get to enjoy the rare but sublime experience of watching someone you hate ingest food you’ve repeatedly spat in.  Bartenders and kitchen staff can usually join in the fun too!

 If you love SHINY TOYS FOR GROWN-UPS: Your ideal job is POLICE OFFICER.

Being a cop kind of seems like playing dress-up, only with the added bonus of fun (and dangerous!) accessories.  They have access to fresh uniforms, shiny official-looking badges, souped-up new cars, and weapons for days.  In fact, it’s a mystery that any misunderstood kid with an overactive imagination doesn’t end up enrolled at the police academy.

 If you love THE OPPOSITE SEX: Your ideal job is PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING.

If you’re hard up for a date, it’s usually easy to find a potential fling at work.  You may have to lower your standards a bit, but let’s be honest – if you’re on this website in the first place, you probably aren’t too ambitious in any arena of your life, dating or otherwise.  Single moms with 2 or more children or men still sporting the Zack Morris “butt cut” hairdo are usually prime for the taking.

 If you love FREE EVERYTHING: Your ideal job is MEMBER OF THE UNITED STATES MILITARY.

Soldiers have it made: food, clothing, housing, haircuts, healthcare, travel – everything’s covered.  All it takes is signing over at least several years of your life and freedom, and possibly risking death in a strange foreign country.  Don’t be a wimp; you can handle it.

These are just a few examples; it’s easy to find perks at any job if you look hard enough.  Just think creatively and make sure to turn on the charm where necessary.  If all else fails, your local McDonald’s is probably hiring (free McNuggets!).

By: Lindsay Freeman

Lindsay Freeman is a journalist-turned-attorney who has never lost the starving-artist mentality of her young adult years.  Aside from writing snappy blog posts, she loves to seek out good deals and freebies in and around New York City.  


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